The wackiness of my life....
Boy meets Girl, Boy loves Girl, Boy gets engaged to Girl.
Boy meets Jag, Boy loves Jag, Boy dumps Jag to stay engaged to Girl.
Boy meets Boy2, Boy loves Boy2, Boy dumps girl to get engaged to Boy2, Boy2 dumps Boy.
Boy meets Jag, Boy loves Jag, Boy dumps Jag because he's not ready for a relationship.
Boy meets Boy3 1 day later, Boy loves Boy3, Boy gets engaged to Boy3.
Boy3 meets Jag, Boy3 dumps Boy after talking with Jag, Boy3 likes Jag.....a lot....hmmm...

The long lost Jaggie returns! No, I'm not dead, comatose, or otherwise incapicitated...at least not yet. I haven't even been really that busy. I just haven't blogged. I've been lazy, and have royally neglected this site. :( But now I think I wanna try and get back into it. Who knows....maybe even post regularly! Shockin' ain't it? :)

Well, I got back from Vegas last night at around 9:30. I wound up not taking the laptop with me (so obviously I couldn't blog from Vegas). The trip was fun as usual. I always love going to Vegas and seeing everything. If it just wasn't so damn hot outside on the strip, we probably would have walked it more....or maybe not, judging from the amount of snoring my travelling buddies did on the return trip. :)

There's one hotel I just love, which if you've read the blog in the past you should know which one. The Bellagio has to be my favorite of all the ones on the Strip, with Luxor and Mandalay Bay coming in a close second and third. The Fountians of Bellagio are just breathtaking...there's no other word for them. We got REALLY lucky too. We were really tired the first night in Vegas and it was around 11pm when we decided to call it a night. (Okay that may sound early to some, but you try getting up at 4am and driving for 5 hours and see how sapped your strength is!) Anyway, we wound up getting in the car and I though if we time it just right, we might get to see them as we drive by. Well it turns out we did. "My Heart Will Go On" with Celine Dion was playing as we pulled up and we got lucky enough that tons of people were stopping traffic so we wound up parked watching it for a couple minutes.

The next day, we hit the Strip again and wound up at Bellagio, this time around 12 noon the Fountains were going off but no music (maintenance work was going on). But we stayed around until 3pm, when the Fountains launched into "The Star-Spangled Banner" with Whitney Houston to start the day, followed by the first official performance, which was "Time to Say Goodbye" with Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli. That song just really works so well with the elegance of the water and the hotel, and was a perfect send-off to our leaving Vegas.

I getting giddy.....it's soo sad. I've been to Vegas so much you would think this would wear off. Maybe it's just that I get to go out of town for a couple days! :) Maybe I'll take my laptop with me so I can blog from Vegas. Who knows, you might see a post from me. :)

Is the game "tag" destroying our children's future lives? See for yourself in Soap Box.

No word from Janell today. I hope she's ok. She hasn't called me back at all yet. :(

I'm getting....cautious....as you can see from my mood indicator at the left. Why? 'Cause everything is going so great right now! My boyfriend is finally starting to open up a little more. I'm getting a lot more comfortable around him and opening up more myself. I'm talking to Janell again, who actually broke her toe when I was on the phone with her...I just hope it wasn't my fault. :( And now I'm REALLY close to heading to Vegas for the weekend! We leave Sunday morning, bright and early so we can have plenty of time to see EVERYTHING. The friends I'm going with have never been to Vegas so this is gonna be really fun for them. The only problem is that usually when everything is this great, something invariably rains on my parade.

I just got a total makeover...in the hair department anyway. I got it cut (which it's been needing for some time now) and decided to finally highlight it. I've been thinking about doing it for a while now and finally decided yesterday to just do it. I guess what tilted the scale was the style book I was looking through to figure our what style to get. One of the pictures was of this really cute blond with crazily spiked hair. It kinda goes every which way. So that's what I got, but since my hair is a much darker blond, I decided to highlight it...for now. Eventually I might dye it completely blond, but I haven't decided on that one yet.

Now I've heard everything. Some circuit court has decreed that the Pledge of Allegiance is UNCONSTITUTIONAL?! Forgive me, but what are they smoking? Here's the MSNBC article on it, and the ripples from it. Plus, hit the new Soap Box section for my take on the issues that are hot topics of discussion at your local water cooler... :)

Have you noticed mood indicator on the left? Click it to find out why it says what it does...or to grab your own!

You know, I'm convinced he likes to wallow in self pity. So whenever he heads off that direction these days, I say "goodbye" and end the conversation....cause I don't wanna hear it anymore.

Now back to the boyfriend/ex-boyfriend issue. For those of you not following the saga...1 | 2 | 3 | 4 Now that you're all caught up, I'm now wishing that maybe I should have listened to Janell. The ex- and I tried to give this a second chance, but I'm not really sure if we did or not...and even if he really wanted to. He's not quite over his ex-, so I'm not really sure what the point is of trying anything. He's not ready for commitment yet, he's not ready for much of anything in the boyfriend range. Yesterday, he told me he wanted to date. I asked him who, just to make sure I wasn't off base. Turns out I wasn't. He said "People." That kinda puts a major damper on any relationship doncha think? I asked him what we were, and he avoided the question by asking me what I thought we were. I felt stupid saying "Boyfriends" cause I don't really think that's what we are. And he was so non-committal about it too....I guess that just does back to him saying he doesn't want a "commitment" yet. I'm beginning to wonder if he ever will. And when everyone tries to tell him to move on, he says that's just gonna make him take longer to do. Of course, with him continuously bringing it up himself, how is THAT helping?!

Ok...to update you on a few things. I haven't have much time for anything recently, and I'm pretty sure everyone is pretty pissed off at me cause I haven't communicated with anyone...except for maybe 2 people locally here....one being my so-called boyfriend/ex-boyfriend. But more on that later. Anyway, I think I've killed about 3 friendships, especially since one wrote and said "it was up to me to keep the friendship going" and I never replied to it.

My schedule is gonna be pretty crazy for the next couple of weeks, with very few pauses in between. Thank goodness it's hitting right when I planned the trip to Vegas about a month ago. I severely need the break from everything. So this Sunday morning, around 6am I leave for Vegas and return on Monday night. Unfortunately, after I get back I'll be working for the next 5 days straight, so it's not much of a break. Then the following Sunday I've got to go to Tucson. I've had it on the schedule for a while now, but just haven't been able to make it down there. I'm going to repair a computer for some friends of Janell's...who I also still need to call back, if only to confirm dates and times. Then after that, the next week is another solid week of new marketing materials for the new business the company I work for is launching....cell phones. So basically, if anyone needs me for anything, contact my social secretary and we'll see if we can work you in sometime in 2004!

I've just installed a new commenting system on the blog. And by popular demand (ok so like 3 people asked for it) the new comment system includes a counter, so you can see where the comments are a WHOLE lot more easily! The old comment system has been temporarily retired....the archives should still show it so you can read the old comments, but all new posts will be using the new system. Just click on the "Leave Comments" link below each entry to leave comments.

Today's my day off, so I'm actually out and about with Alain right now. I'm bloggin' "on-location" as it were from the computer lab at his school. So this entry will be short. The parents are coming up again on Sunday for Father's Day, 'cause we got tickets to the D-Backs. They're playing the Tigers, my dad's favorite team, but I think he really has turned into a D-Back fan more than the Tiger fan, especially since the Tigers ain't really doing that much any more. :) On the brighter side, normally this would mean I would need to clean my apartment in preparation of their arrival, but since they were up here two weeks ago for a VERY thorough cleaning, not much has been dirtied up. In fact, no cleaning is really needed! Shocking huh?

Am I desparate?

Maybe I should kinda update you on some things happening in my life, since I haven't been on in a while. Let's see...I started talking with the ex again a few weeks back. He just showed up at the store one day. I was kinda shocked to see him there, but it was ok. We talked for a while, and he told me that he broke up with the guy he left me for. I immediately thought that he decided to use me as his rebound and asked him about it. He said no, because he had promised Janell he wouldn't do that. And he didn't, which surprised me. He stayed away just like he said he would.

But anyway, we've talked on a few occasions since then, and have become closer friends again. Close enough that I'd like to try again with him. (I know Janell's probably ready to kill me right about now....but I really would.) The only thing is, he isn't. He's flat out said he doesn't wanna use me as the rebound. (Happy again, Janell?) So I guess that's a no then. But I'm starting to really get close to him again.

Well, it's official...me and some friends are heading to Vegas at the end of the month. We'll head out on Sunday morning, stay in Vegas that night, and come back on Monday morning. Should be fun. :)

You know, I said look at the times a few posts back, but if I could only space them out a little more evenly, it wouldn't look like I hadn't blogged in a nearly a month...even though I really haven't :( Shame on Jon. :(

I think it's time for another Vegas trip. I know, I know....I'm addicted. :) The funny thing is I'm not addicted to the gambling. I guess that's not so funny, it's actually a perk. Cause I can go to Vegas and not have to worry about losing my shirt at the tables or a one-armed bandit. Don't get me wrong, I do gamble whenever I go, but I only spend like $20...if that...over 2 day period. My primary motivation for going to Vegas is just to see everything. Vegas is such an unreal place to visit. The architecture is amazing. I find it fun to just walk the strip and "People-Watch". Another reason I love to go is the road trip. I love driving....so therefore I love road trips. :) And the scenery you see when you drive is amazing. And I've done this enough times now, to know that you can't do it in a day. I'm know because I've tried. :) If you leave at like 9am you don't get to Vegas until about 5 hours later. And you can't possible see everything and still have the energy to drive home later that night, besides if you don't get to Vegas until 2pm, you will probably stay until 11pm, thus not getting home until 4am. And that's a VERY long day.

Look at the times of the last few posts....can you say SLACKER? :)

I might post the latest version of the level in ZIP form soon. It needs some serious texture work done on it, but the basic object creation stage is pretty much finished. Janell seemed to like it anyway. :) Of course that's probably only because I put in one of her favorites...the gimongous exploding chandelier. :) She loves to whip out her Sig and blast it to bits, which is no easy task considering that there are approximately 30 panels of illuminate, translucent glass that overlap to create the huge hanging giant.

I'm finding that Texturing is probably the hardest part about map creation for CounterStrike. I can't really find good textures for the walls or floor of my new level. And I really suck at doing that type of drawing. I guess I need to partner with someone, where I create the basic level layout, and someone else does the texturing. So if anyone knows someone who is great at texturing in WorldCraft or Hammer, but can't build walls for shit, lemme know. :)

I'm gonna need to rework the music section soon. Ever since Launch was bought...or should I say assimilated!...by Yahoo, they've been dropping features like hot potatoes. The way LaunchCasts are played now is different. You can't link to a specific video anymore through a link, and it automatically dumps you into other videos when your's finishes playing. Sometimes I think Yahoo IS the Borg! You know, Resistance is Futile, and all that crap. They're the Microsoft of the internet...why bother creating our own stuff when we can buy someone elses? eGroups, Launch, even GeoCities hosting has fallen to Yahoo. Or maybe just create something that someone else already does...like Maps (MapQuest), Auctions (eBay), or BillPay (PayPal). I mean really, have they come up with an original idea since they launched that search engine so many years ago?

I chatted with my friend Paul last night. He used to work with me at the computer stores I'm still at. He's left though and is now back to selling Jewelry, which he did before he joined with us. But he finds the hours long...not quite as long as what we used to pull..and what I still pull....but still long and tiring. He thinks I should move on like he has, but I'm not sure. I mean the job market really isn't the greatest right now, and I doubt I'd be able to come anywhere close to what I make here now! But the idea is a tempting one...I'd love to go into business for myself...maybe as a web designer...or graphics arts of some kind. I've dabbled in so many things in my time though that they all are interesting. I've worked with an architect for a couple years, drawing houses, businesses, you name it. Then I did some graphic design work on my own, for friends and previous workplaces. I've worked in libraries, in circulation, cataloging, and a couple other departments too. Started getting into web design, and actually have a couple sites for businesses under my belt. But most recently, I've been in computer retail, which I enjoy a lot...but probably not as much as I have other projects in the past. I do enjoy being able to see the new stuff when it comes it. But thanks to our current company make-up, it's really hard to get certain days off...since we really don't have employees to cover my absence.

I never realized how much until recently, but our perception of New York has been forever altered since that horrible day in September. I've been watching a lot more movies recently, and the towers show up in almost every movie set in New York. If you wanted to show the audience the setting was New York, you could just show the skyline. I recently stayed at New York, New York Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas and above the reception desk is a huge mural painting of Manhattan's skyline, with those two giants anchoring the left end. My room had a picture in it too....of those towers. And on the New York website, the towers are an integral part of their logo...the skyline...now forever changed. Those two towers defined New York. And now that clean-up is ending, and reconstruction is beginning, it's hard for me to imagine anything else on that site, other than those two towers. Will it ever be the same? Probably not... Is it good that it isn't the same so we never forget?

Today is Janell's birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JANELL!
You too can send Janell a happy birthday message here...or a greeting card to janell@netpav.com.

Another day....another 43 cents....minus taxes, inflation, de-valuation, service fees....

I'm actually thinking of spending one of these nights out on my patio instead of inside....and I mean the whole night. It'll kinda be like camping....but without the dirt. :) Actually, scratch that....WITH the dirt. My patio is so filthy it isn't even funny! But it's been so nice outside recently, and I do have an air matress I bought when Janell came for a visit a couple months ago. Plus, I never went camping as a kid. The camping field trip/science trip that my fifth grade class went on, clashed with another group I was in at the time, which had a performance scheduled for the same weekend. And that was more important to me at the time. And my family never went camping. We've never been the outdoorsy type, I guess. But now I think it would be fun...just to spend a night outside without the computers, the cellphones....well....maybe the cellphones could come. ;) But just to get away...even if it is only to the balcony. And it's pretty quiet in my neighborhood...so I just might be able to do it.

I've been like SOOOO slacking off today. :) I think I maybe got 1 thing done I was supposed to do today. And I can't really say it's been busy, cause it hasn't. :) It's actually really dead today at work.

One advantage to me going to a Linux system would be the ability to run the Apache web server, which supports PHP scripting, something I've been wanting to try for a while now. But would I still be able to connect to the internet with it, or see the other machines on my network? Questions.....Questions....so many questions.... :)

I'm toying with putting RedHat Linux on one of my systems at home. Not quite sure if I'm going to though. Just thought I might for the fun of it. But after reading the documentation on it last night, it doesn't look fun anymore! ;) Looks like Linux still has a long way to go to be more user friendly. I hear Mandrake is actually pretty easy to install and get going with...so I might do that.

I know...I know....I've been away FAR too long again. But if it wasn't one delay, it was another. first I was working a whole lot more hours, then I lost Internet Access temporarily from home. But now I'm back, and looking to make a few changes to the site again. Now before you go off the deep end, or think I'VE gone off the deep end, I'm not talking a whole new re-designed site. Just some different buttons here and there. I've got quite a few things playing around in my mind that I want to try to get out.

I'm pleased to announce a new business start-up happening in Tucson, and I'll be hosting it here...well actually here. Currently the business is called Dog Poop and it's just getting started, so be sure to keep checking back on them to see what new goodies they've got on their site. You can find them at http://dogpoop.netpav.com.

Just how fast is YOUR internet connection?

Damn Daylight-Saving Time. The blog is showing an hour AFTER I post is when I post...I'll have it fixed shortly.....fixed. :) It's not really Blogger's fault. It's just the they don't have a setting for Arizona, which doesn't follow the daylight-saving time shifts. So now, I'm basically on Pacific Time, instead of Mountain Time...it just throws everything out of wack! Now if only someone could tell me why this state is soooo backwards?

MSN is sooo funny. I've got MSN Messenger installed (but I don't really use the hotmail or IM features of it. For that I use ICQ (#53892818). But I have MSN installed cause of all the neat little alerts and sign-ins it can do. Like my Expedia account for travel deals, or Carpoint for my oil change reminder on Justin. And just now, it told me heavy traffic was occuring on the freeway I take to go home. It's like having a personal assistant or something constantly checking things out for me....too cool. ;)

Uh oh....I just got a bad notice from it....my ex is on. Not sure what to say to him anymore. We've drifted soo far apart.

I know I've been missing the last few days. Hell, the whole SITE has been missing. But I'm back. And I'm blogging. :) I'm stuck here at work today and it's been a pretty bland day so far. Plus it's almost over...well sort of. I've got plenty more to do, but it's stuff I can do from home so that's pretty cool. So I guess I'll be packing up the laptop and heading out to the patio for once! I've never actually worked out there, and since I've got the company laptop, I'm gonna get a chance! The weather is soo rocking too! Slightly overcast currently, but I'm on the other side of town from my apartment, and looking that way, it's darker...so maybe some rain? Hopefully? Please? ;)

Gee... I was so impressed and look where it got me. :( I haven't blogged for like 2 days. But oh well...Happy Easter and Happy April Fool's Day. :) But today was not a good day. I wound up breaking a computer motherboard at work today. So now I get to pay for it out of my pocket. Lovely, huh? And today was a busy day for customers, but not much for sales. Which is unfortunately how it has been at that store for the past few weeks.

I'm soo impressed with myself. I've managed to post an entry everyday for the past week! And they we're dinky entries either! Oddly enough, this is actually kinda becoming theraputic. I just feel so relaxed after publishing here. Probably cause this is giving me a place to get things off my chest. And with all the stress at work, the thing with my ex-, and just life in general, it's nice to have a release.

I didn't call the ex- at all today. It was hard too. I soo wanted to call him. In fact, I nearly did. But my cell phone didn't go through anyway so I gave up. But I was thinking about him a lot today. In a side note, I nearly ran out of gas today. The little gas tank thingie "dinged" at me while I was driving home. I forgot I wasn't in Justin so I'm not really sure exactly how long I had left on gas, but it couldn't have been much further. Justin let's you go another 90 miles after warning you that fuel may be needed! One thing is for sure, the tank is TINY! It took only like $16 (under 14 gallons) to fill it. That would have put Justin at just over half-a-tank! Now we'll see just how good the gas mileage is on this little guy. :)

I dropped Justin off this morning as scheduled. I probably won't see him again until next Wednesday or Thursday. So in the meantime, the other guy's insurance company is picking up the tab of a rental car for me. And one of their Direct-Bill agencies is Enterprise, which also happens to be basically right across the street from where Justin got dropped off! Convenient, huh? So now I have a white Mitsubishi Gallant 4-Door Sedan until I get my Ju-Ju back. It's not that bad of a car, but I already miss my truck. You sit so low in cars that you feel like you are in a pit. And now I'm just getting nit picky. Like the cupholder isn't as big as Justin's so I can't put a 64oz soda in the car with me anymore. Poopies....I miss Ju-Ju already. :(

I got sooo pissed at him (the ex-boyfriend) tonite, I hung up on him, one of the things he utterly hates. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions of the predicament he's currently in! It is so frustrating talking ot him trying to make him see that everything that's happened has been because of one stupid mistake he made. But he keeps blaming the cops..."cause they were involved." (Yes, it's a serious enough mistake that the Police are involved.) And gee, why were the cops involved in the first place? Hmm...I wonder...could it have been just coincidence?...nah....maybe bad luck?....nope. Gee, I can't think why. Couldn't have been what he did. The worse part is I don't know how to help him. That is the most frustrating. If he continues on this path, flirting with danger, taking risks, he's gonna wind up in jail eventually. And that's what I told him just before I hung up on him. "Go to jail, then. See if I f*&king care," to be precise. And that's the sadest part of all. I do care. I care too damn much to see him ruin his life like this. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Have you noticed all my recent posts contain hyperlinks to other pages? I'm trying something new. I'm putting at least one link in every post I publish. Just to kinda of enhance the surfability of the pages. Neat huh?

My Justin finally goes in for his cosmetic surgery tomorrow. Bright and early at 7am I'm dropping him off into the capable hands of Earnhardt Dodge-Hyundai's Body Shop. For those who might be joining our program already in progress, Justin was rear-ended back in January while I was helping some friends move. His bumper took the brunt of it, but it bent into the tailgate and scraped some paint. Anyway, while he's in there, I'll be driving a rental car which the insurance is paying for in full. YEAH!

Justin FINALLY dumped that bitch. :) Now if he'd only start "running plays from the other teams playbook". :)

Here's an odd one for you. I'm checking out the Pride info for Phoenix, which is available at www.azpride.org by the way, when I noticed that the volunteer orientation meetings take place at Augustana Lutheran Church? Um...I'm Lutheran, and I can tell you that homosexuality is considered "Sexually Immorality" by the church. So in the world did they get permission to use their facilities? Must be a WAY liberal synod to allow that! Maybe I should look into that! :) On the downer side, the festival is on April 13th, a day I'll be out of town. Poopies. :( And I really wanted to go to. It would have been my first Pride. Not that I'm really that 'out' anyway...but I think it would have been fun to go, even if I wasn't 'out'. Another step in my emerging process. Guess I'll just have to wait until next year. :(

I didn't mean to be harsh in Monopoly, but it unfortunately came off that way...and I realized it after I said it too. But what I was trying to do was let the game progress with my prices versus hers. Since the game is very driven by pricing, it matters who charges for what. Like I learned last night that if you build higher class buildings, you can charge more than competitors and the citizens of your town will pay it. But it's things like that, that I wouldn't be able to learn, if I just keep setting the same prices across the board. I guess I should have said something about me trying something different, rather than shooting her down as badly as I did...and for that I'm sorry. I was in a nasty mood last night after playing Counterstrike for a while. But that really isn't an excuse...and the only way I got knocked out of the foul mood I was in was by hurting someone I really care a lot about. :(

I'm so tired of this. I've got soo many things on my mind that everything is piling up on me. Today was my day off, so I lounged around the house for most of the day. But last night, I met with the ex-boyfriend. He's gotten into some trouble recently, and now is just as lonely as me...though he hasn't broken up with the new guy. They just can't see each other for like 3 years or something. Anyway, he almost spent the night here. He wanted me to pick him up cause he didn't want to go home. (Some family trouble or something.) But anyway, I originally agreed. Yeah, I know...bad idea. And I realized it too...before I went to get him. So I called and said I wasn't coming cause I couldn't trust myself. And he understood. But last night was a very lonely night.

Then today, I hooked up with Janell online and actually got to play some CounterStrike. And since I haven't played in soo long, I needed a refresher course. Then she suggested we get a couple others to come in and play, since we pretty much had the server to ourselves. But before we knew it, 4 or 5 other people had joined, mostly friends of hers....and that is exactly what I didn't want....to play with someone she knows and tells that I'm a friend. Cuase then I just make her look bad to her clan members. And let me tell you, I suck....my play is just...well...horrific. She says I need to practice, which is probably true. But I don't really want to ruin everyone's game while I try to figure out which button does what! Half the time I lose the level for the team. So after doing that for a few times, I quit...which only just pissed off Janell and frustrated me.

I just need alone time again...but I'm sick of being alone.

I really want to get back into CounterStrike with Jerimy and Janell, but it's becoming so impossible with my current job. I mean everytime I think I've got time to start up something, I get slammed with a new project, or someone has had ot change their schedule around. The latest upset now puts us down an employee! Leaving us stretched VERY thin on perrsonnel.

Janell has told me repeatedly that I need to find another job. But I'm too stupid, I suppose. I have very low self esteem as far as what I'm worth in the job market goes, so when I get a job, I stick with it until that company goes under or fires me. (So far that's the only times I left jobs.) And now I make so much with this company. I've moved up the ranks for Assistant Manager, Store Manager, Corporate Assistant, Corporate Manager, to basically second in command of the whole company! Going to a new company would seem like starting over...and taking a pay cut...which I can't afford to do. I mean I make good money for what I do. And even if I wanted to go out and get another job, when would I have the time to interview.

I rambling again, I know. But this is my blog. :) But I guess this whole thing stems from a comment Janell sent to me last night. That I didn't have time for her anymore. Which unfortunately is the truth. But each time someone says it, it pisses me off. Not necessarily at the person who said it, but at my whole situation. And how their just doesn't seem anyway out....until this company goes under...or fires me.

The Lighthouse's Tale
I am a Lighthouse,
Worn by the weather and the waves.
I keep my lamp lit,
to warn the sailors on their way.

I'll tell a story,
paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy,
but joy in this life seldom lasts.

I had a keeper,
he helped me warn the ships at sea.
We had grown closer,
'til his joy meant everything to me.
He was to marry
a girl who shown with beauty and light.
They loved each other,
and with me watched the sunsets into nights.

And the waves crashing around me,
The sand slips out to sea,
And the winds that blow remind me
of what has been,
and what can never be.

She'd had to leave us;
my keeper, he prayed for a safe return,
But when the night came,
the weather to a raging storm had turned.
He watched her ship fight,
but in vain against the wild and terrible wind,
And me so helpless,
as dashed against the rocks she met her end.

And the waves crashing around me,
The sand slips out to sea,
And the winds that blow remind me
of what has been,
and what can never be.

Then on the next day,
my keeper found her washed up on the shore.
He kissed her cold face,
and that they'd be together soon he swore.
I saw him crying,
watched as he buried her in the sand,
Then he climbed my tower,
and off the edge of me he ran.

And the waves crashing around me,
The sand slips out to sea,
And the winds that blow remind me
of what has been,
and what can never be.

I am a lighthouse,
worn by the weather and the waves,
And though I'm empty,
I still warn the sailors on their way.

I've fallen in love with this awesome song from Nickel Creek called "The Lighthouse's Tale". And it just seems to fit for me too, but I can't figure out why. I just connect with it so well. I'll publish the lyrics and eventually an MP3, but I highly recommend the whole album from Nickel Creek. I know it's not exactly my usual fare, but I just like the folksie feel of it...and sometimes we all need to return to our roots...and there's just something to basic and natural about acoustic and folk/bluegrass music.

Yeah! The weekend is almost here! Wait...why am I excited? I work all weekend!!
SON-OF-A-B*$@# !!

My computer is now curing cancer! No, really! Chances are VERY good my computer is performing Computational Chemistry, working toward curing leukemia and other cancers. Think I've lost it? I haven't...really! :) It's the power of the internet, some software, and your computer. The program is the Intel Philanthropic Peer-to-Peer program, and it's free to download the necessary software. What does it do? Well, while your using your computer...or if you prefer, you can set a specific schedule for the software or just use the screen saver portion of it...a small software application is analyzing the healing potential of several molecular contructions. Sound complex? Well the good news is, you don't have to understand any of it. Your computer downloads the necessary info, processes it, and the sends the results back. This allows the computational power of tons of individuals system can be combined and utilitized as one MegaComputer, allowing for much faster research results, and in the end...a better chance for a cure!

The software is free and easy to get. It's already been used to create 300,000 drugs, of which 12,000 are "good candidates" for possible CURES for Anthrax! Yes, I said CURES! Not just antibiotics, but an actual antitoxin to counter the lethal effects of the bacteria! You can read the whole MSNBC article on the program.

You too can help. Just head over to http://www.intel.com/cure and download the software.

http://www.lethimstay.com

I've had some issues with the archiving of the blog...their fixed though now...I hope. But I realized something...I've been blogging for nearly 1 year. And concerts bookend the year. I began this blog shortly after my first concert....on March 13th, 2001, when the Backstreet Boys came to town. Now it is nearly one year later....and a concert is set for March 14th...and it's *NSYNC, my other favorite band...but this time, I won't be going. I was going to this ask him to this concert....when we were together. They're his favorite group. But now too many memories come back for me to go to this concert....too many I can't get past right now. Too many...of him.

A word of warning, this is a REALLY long post, so to skip to the next post, just click here.

I kinda need to publish this here. I told myself I didn't want to...but then I remembered it was him who didn't want me to. And I felt odd...so very odd....and empty...so cold and empty. What had I done? How had this happened? How had I placed my life so completely in his hands that I became secondary in my mind. He was what mattered...not me. Well no more.

I met him in late December. We were helping some mutual friend's of ours finish their move from a mountain-side community back to the big city, about 3 hours drive away. So we all loaded up and headed out in Justin. That was our first mistake....taking Justin....a mistake in more ways then one. First, Justin is large considering he is classified as a Compact Pickup, but not large enough for 4 grown twenty-somethings. I drove...since no one else every drives my Justin. And he sat behind me. After an hour...the people in back started getting cramped so he stretched out and got comfortable...by putting his arms around my seat and thus hugging me gently from behind. I was in heaven. He was the first guy I've been able to get close to. I couldn't hold anyone else...hug anyone else...so I was truly in heaven. For the next 2 hours, we rode like that...alternating positions every once in a while, but still remaining close. Then after arriving at the storage place, we helped load up Justin...and a rental truck we had picked up after we arrived. But while loading, we couldn't keep our eyes off each other...and eventually...couldn't keep from "accidentally" brushing up against each other. I think our friends kinda caught on and were getting sick of us. But I was still in heaven. Then came time for us to leave...and since we now had two vehicles, we could pair up and head out, this way everyone would have someone to talk to. That was our second mistake...he rode with me.

We bonded closer together in that last 3 hours....heading back to the city. We got even more touchy-feely. And I was again in heaven. This was new...I hadn't done this before...and I could truly see myself falling for him. Which I did. There was only one slight problem....his girlfriend. Yes he had a girlfriend...now don't start bashing him. I knew he did. I knew it before I met him that morning. But I chose to ignore it...and so did he. We told each other this was a "fling"...an "experiment"...which was fine with me...but I was falling...and I was refusing to see it. And then we both realized it. It wasn't just me....he had fallen too...and he said he had...and I believed him...I still do. Call it foolish self-worth, but I do believe he fell for me...like I fell for him. And his best friend saw it. So did we. His relationship with his girlfriend began to suffer...and they almost broke up. I had know him only a few short weeks, and he has know her for almost 2 years. So after a talk between us and with his best friend, we stopped. Or tried to. And his relationship with his girlfriend improved...and we tried hard to become just friends as well. But we didn't do the same things we had done in the past. We stayed distant. Barely holding on to a friendship which was so close only a few days before.

Then he met someone new. Someone else who turned his head, like I did once. Someone else who he started falling for. I tried to tell myself they were just friends...but they were more. He told me himself. He had fallen again...but it wasn't for me...it was for him. I asked him about his girlfriend. And he said they were still together....this was just a "fling"...and "experiment"...sound familiar? I talked to him...but to no avail. And then it happened. He broke up with his girlfriend. He left her for him...something he wouldn't do for me. He hadn't know this new guy nearly as long as I had known him...yet he called it off with his girlfriend...for him. We talked some more, but it hurt too much. He said he had made a mistake...and that he always ruined everything. I told him everything would be alright....that I was fine with it...I lied.

And now I've lost him. Even after the break up with his girlfriend, he was would call me... to see how I was. Just to talk. I didn't feel like it at first. It hurt too much. Then I called him. It was an impulse actually. Our song came on the radio and I just dialed so he could hear it. We would do that when we were together. But were we really ever "together"? Then I stopped calling him. But he didn't stop trying to call me. I never answered...he tried me at work...but luckily I was out of the office when he did. But I still cared enough to call him...but I never talked to him. I just needed to hear his voice. I'd call his cell phone, blocking my caller ID so he wouldn't know it was me...I'd mute my microphone so he couldn't hear me....and I'd listen. It made me feel so much better to know he was ok. I didn't realize how much until today.

I just called his cell phone...and he didn't answer....a machine did...

"The customer's phone you are trying to reach is no longer in service. Message 21, P-H-X."

So I guess that is the end...really the end. And I miss him...after everything that's happened...I miss him...and I still love him.

Six-months later....we still remember... The planes....the Towers....the disbelief...the horror... Six-months later....we still stand... United....strong....brave....and free.

Slate on MSN is doing a week-long diary of an EMT in training. Click here to read it.

So why did I thank Janell? Janell is an EMT, or Emergency Medical Technician. I watched the CBS special 9/11 last night...and it reminded me that those men and women who work to save our lives...do it daily, without regard to themselves...or their own safety. Sure, the Police and Fire Departments of New York City, and everywhere else deserve thanks as well. But let us not forget another branch of public service, equally as important...just as highly trained...just a much heroes...everyday and in every way....the EMTs and Paramedics. And so I say again.... Thank you...

Thank you, Janell...for everything.

Just got back from a Spring Training baseball game with my parents and brother. I really don't care for baseball that much...but crowd watching, now that's fun. Especially at baseball games...and since today the temp was close to 84 degrees...you can imaging some skin was QUITE visible. Although it ruins your chances of sizing up people when your parents and brother are right there sitting next to you.

I'm starting to get lonely again. And it probably doesn't help that i'm back at the store that has NO customer traffic. I guess I just miss Janell.

I changed the date at the top to countdown to the *NSYNC concert on March 14th in Phoenix. (Not that I have tickets or can afford to go or anything.)

Sorry about the occassion already passed thingie at the top. I haven't had a chance to edit the pages and remove the countdown. I'll try to get to it tonite.

DAY 1

Janell arrived early! Her flight was due in like 20 minutes after she actually got here. All day today we're assembling a system for Cheryl & Tracy in Tucson. We're gonna be networking the system together with another one in the house so everyone can be online using high-speed at once! (And I know from experience, once you've used high-speed, you definately do NOT want to go back!) Saturday, we went down to Tucson to set it up and for Dakota's funeral.

DAY 3

We finished the computer setup on Sunday, which also allowed Janell to spend some time with her animals there. We got back home around 7:00 and just goofed off for the rest of the evening.

DAY 4

We were able to spend most of Monday just hanging around on the 'puter. She's got me hooked back into CS (CounterStrike) again, so you might actually find me in the servers again, but it all depends on if I have the time.

All in all a pretty fun time was had by all, but I was really sad to see her leav. But I know I'll see her again. Maybe this time, I'll head her way. :)

Ok...Janell made it safely home last night. But when she got there, her Mother's house has just burned down! Hours before it seems! While we were eating a late lunch! Everyone got out ok, and they had insurance, but she lost her HUGE collection of Earnhardt memorabilia. But on a happier note, Janell's flight was uneventful. And like her starting flight, was kinda early. I don't know whether the airlines are now building in more minutes into their flight time estimates, whether for security purposes or just to be on time more often, but both flights arrived nearly 20 minutes early to the gates! Not that we're complaining, but aren't airlines supposed to ALWAYS be late? :)

I know I promised posts....but since Janell got her, I've wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. So I'm writing this quick post to say I'll be updating at the end of her visit, which unfortunately is tomorrow. We're just kinda hanging out tonite watching the tube. But I'll be sure to update you tomorrow nite on the whole weekend.

Day 1 starts tomorrow! YEEHAW! I can't wait until Janell gets here. It's going to be sooo much fun. :) We've got some stuff planned for each day. She's funny cause she misses so many different things that we have out here and she can't get back there! :) Like Eegee's, a sub-sandwich place that kicks butt and is only available in Tucson, Castles & Coasters, an amusement park here, and as she puts it REAL mexican food. I'm talking authentic sit down mexican....so I guess that means she loves food. :) I'm trying to convince her to let me take pictures of her while she's here but so far no luck.

Missed an update to the Countdown Calendar? Check out all the days in the archives...
Click on a date to view that entry: T-1 / T-2 / T-3 / T-4

You might have noticed "Day 2" of the update calendar has been greyed out. For the duration of the day, no updates will be done to the site, out of remembrance of Dakota. Saturday, Day 2, has been set for the funeral. Normal vacation updates will resume on Sunday, Day 3, and will conclude on Monday with Day 4, and the official launch date of the new site sections (even though most are up now anyway....but I figure I should have them all done by then.)

T-4

T-3

T-2

T-1

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

DAY 4

Finally! An update that's on time! (Well, early actually if you notice the time stamp.) But in the process, I've also gone back and updated the previous entries with their songs too.

Since today is T-1, I thought I'd put a song that really says something cool. No matter how far away you may be, you're still home, in their hearts. So here is Lonestar's "I'm Already There", the final song before Janell's arrival!

This trip for Janell and Cheryl will unfortunately be a sad one. Their beloved dog Dakota passed away earlier today. We take comfort in the fact that he has found the Rainbow Bridge, where he will be reunited with his family, Janell and Cheryl.

T-4

T-3

T-2

T-1

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

DAY 4

Behind once again. And I still haven't even posted the T-3 song! I know I said this before...but tonite? ;)
UPDATE: The T-2 Song is Evan and Jaron's "The Distance".

OH...and 65 hours left. :) *squeels*

No I'm not as loopy as I look. Yes, today is T-3 (not T-2). Wanna know why? Cause I only switch to 2 when that's all that's left. Right now we've got several hours before it's just two days until Janell arrives....technicalities are a bitch ain't they? :)

T-4

T-3

T-2

T-1

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

DAY 4

Uh oh....I'm in trouble now....I've fallen behind in the countdown! I haven't uploaded the song of the day yet, but it should be up tonite when I get home.
UPDATE: The T-3 Song is "Somewhere Out There"

Having a mega problem sleeping tonite...so I called Janell. Talk about a wild conversation! They're hooking me up now with this guy in Kentucky. This could be interesting...

Incidentally, minor changes to the T-Minus countdown graphix. I'll be chronically the 4 days Janell is here too...you might even get a picture or two....of course, that is if Janell will let me. *innocent pouty look* (Just laying it on thick, baby!)

Okay...it's REALLY bad when you start counting hours at over 3 days....but.... :) ...since I'm strange anyway....84 hours to go. *JAG jumps for joy....then suddenly realizes he SOOO has to get cleaning.*

T-4

T-3

T-2

T-1

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

DAY 4

We're at T-minus-4 days! YEAH! 4 days until Janell arrives!! So let's start the festivities. Today's song is Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles". Download and listen to the MP3 here. If you like it, be sure to buy it from Amazon or whomever. It's currently a single release, but her album is coming soon, and I can't wait! :)

find your queer as folk personality!

The odd thing is I was trying for Justin with all the artistic stuff, but somehow I got Brian. (Not that wouldn't mind being Brian....mmm...pleasant thoughts...)

Maybe it's just me...but I think this site has gotten decidedly "fairy" looking....

WhooHoo! Less than 1 week until Janell arrives!
*Jag runs around the apartment screaming like a girl.*

Wow! mega posts tonite, huh? And a new look! I must not be feeling well... :)

Seen the countdown on the front? Janell is coming! YEAH! Starting Monday, I'll be posting a song a day relating to long-distance relationships! So check back!

There's been lots of turmoil in my life recently...none of which I've published since it wasn't really something I wanted to share. I may eventually....because that's what this diary is all about...but right now I'm not gonna be able to. I just don't have the strength to...

Hi there....it's been a REALLY long time since an update to this, so I figured I'd re-do the entire site so there'd be a little bit more to come back to the next time you visit! Just a heads up though, several sections are NOT finished and broken links or bad visuals may happen in here...I'm aware of them and working on it. So check back in a few and everything should be a-okay.

Ok...now is a REALLY good time to post....cause I'm sooooo pissed right now. Yes...it is just past midnight, and I still haven't gotten over event sof the afternoon...but I'm just getting home so I kinda needed to vent.

First off, I was helping a buddy of mine move some of his stuff down from Show Low, which is a small mountian town, to his new house down here in the Valley. Any who on the way down we passed through a couple other small towns and in one....ah hell...why back story it. JUSTIN'S FUCKED UP! AND I AIN'T TALKED THE GOOD KINDA FUCKIN' EITHER!

I got rear ended by some moron who didn't see us stopped in traffic. The twit didn't have a front bumber, so his frame pieces that were sticking out the front basically impaled into the back of Justin and crushed the bumper royal. It's bent in so much the tail gate is hard to close because the bumper is pushing on it! I love what the guy told the officer too when she took the statements...

OFFICER: (After noticing the other guy doesn't have a front bumper...) Did you lose your bumper in the crash?

JUSTIN'S ATTACKER: No, it was getting so damaged I took it off.

I thought to myself, Gee....how many OTHER people have you rammed into!?!?

*whimper* my poor Justy... :( Now I gotta deal with insurance claims to get him fixed like new again. I suppose it could have been worse. In any case, I'm gonna take some pictures with the digital camera at work tomorrow and post them on Justin's page and I'll keep you updated with the details.