Too scared to go... Too tired to care...

I was reading this story online and I think it really summed up my life best. With all the relationship problems I've had, I think I've reached the point where I'm just too scared to try for another relationship. My gaydar being faulty doesn't help either. Whenever I meet someone, I automatically assume they are straight... it's easier that way. Only the REALLY flaming ones will trip the Gaydar Alert at all... and I'm totally not interested in anyone like that. But while reading this story a quote came up that "it's not easier, it's safer." I think that really hit home with me... It is safer.

I've let only 3 people 'inside' throughout my entire life. Only 1 has stayed with me... through everything... my best friend, Janell. None of the others are still around or in my life anymore. Either from me pushing them away... or them pushing me away. Janell has stayed... even when I've pushed. We lost touch for nearly a year after she moved to Kentucky... through my foolishness. But we reconnected and today she is the only person who really knows me.

Janell's been saying for a while now that we're going to go out to a bar sometime and everytime I just cringe. I've never been good with people, Lord knows. Janell will be the first to admit I basically shut up like a clam whenever anything remotely emotional happens. I don't know what to say or do. I turn into a listener... which some have said is an asset... I think of it as a weakness. I don't say the things I want to say for fear of driving someone away... or worse...coming off like an unfeeling asshole through my insensitive comments. So the thought of being thrust into the dating scene is just incredibly frightening to me.

To make matters worse, I do feel lonely sometimes. I do want someone just to hold. I want a relationship... a commitment... but I doubt I'll ever have one due to my own hang ups about them.

There's a guy I know up here in Phoenix that's been trying to get me to go out on a date with him. We've had a couple dates long ago but I basically stopped calling him and drove him away. We reconnected a few weeks ago and he's been trying ever since to get me to go out, but I keep putting him off. I'm too scared what might happen if I go. Tonight he asked again... and I told him I wasn't feeling too well. But in truth, my stomach only tied up in knots when he instant messaged me.

So instead I sit here writing this. Too scared to go out on a date... and too emotionally tired to care anymore...

Summing it up...

Let me see if I can sum this up...

We elected President George W Bush in 2000... without the majority. Late 2001, we were heinously attacked by terrorists. While Bush was in office... and perhaps might have been able to possibly prevent them, the attacks themselves most likely were beyond anything we could have foreseen enough to prevent them.

However... this one event has caused Bush to so overstep his bounds in the name of keeping America safe that it's mind boggling.

Shortly after the attack, we invaded Afghanistan... and so far, we're on the right track. We're going after the terrorists who attacked us. Good Job all around.

Then came the faulty intelligence.... Iraq has WMDs... aka Saddam has WMDs... or is trying to get them... and is activately working with Al Qaida. Um... no? Proven no? Before invading, intelligence sources said that he DIDN'T had WMDs and he WASN'T communicating with Al Qaida.

But we invade anyways... without completely securing Afghanistan. And before you say "we did", how about those last few remanents along the southern border? You know... where OSAMA BIN LADEN was allegedly in hiding. Remember him? The MASTER PLANNER? LEADER OF AL QAIDA? I think a good analogy is antibiotics. When you have an infection, the doctor perscribes antibiotics. And what does he tell you to do? FINISH THE WHOLE BOTTLE... even after symptoms have long sense subsided... you still need to finish the whole bottle to kill all the infection... so it can't grow back and become immune to the antibiotic... aka harder to get rid off.

Now name that infection Al Qaida. The body is Afghanistan... and the US Military... we're the antibiotic. The only problem is we didn't follow the doctor's orders... we stopped taking it after we felt better (the Taliban were no longer in power in the capital). And now... the infection? It's back... and getting worse.

Anyway... back to Iraq... we went in... with considerable ease, I might add (way to go US Soldiers!). But once we got in... did anyone remember to come up with a plan for that part? Now we basically have our own country... one that we basically invaded for no reason. Sure Saddam was a pretty bad guy, and we did do Iraq's people a favor by removing him... but if you haven't noticed... TONS of people don't like that part... and are still attacking us.

So now we're stuck in a country we can't get out of. (Can anyone say Vietnam?) If we stay, our Military Forces are stretched thin and would be unable to respond to a major incident where are interests really WERE at stake... like say North Korea and their nuclear weapons they DO have. If we leave, the country will decend into chaos and Al Qaida will QUICKLY take over. (See? Saddam was good for something at least.)

But will all the War debacle was going on... what else was happening here at home? Let's see...

• We pulled out the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, destablizing the world's nuclear powers all so we could build a sheild that doesn't work...
• We're using signing statements when signing bills into laws so that we can get around them law in future...
• We're torturing prisoners of war...because they're "Enemy Combatants" not POWs... even though they were captured in the War on Terror...
• We're agreeing with congressional leaders NOT to torture prisoners... while using a signing statement that allows us to continue torturing them...
• We're running secret CIA prisons throughout the world... because US Laws wouldn't apply there and we can get away with things we can't do here...
• We're outing a CIA Undercover Officer to get back at her husband for finding out that Iraq wasn't the threat the White House said it was...
• We've "Stayed the Course" for months and then said "We've never been Stay the Course"...
• We've been unable to respond to disaster relief here at home and we're the most powerful nation in the world, yet a major city can look like a third-world village for days, months, and YEARS after the initial disaster...
• We're tapping phone calls without a warrant in the name of security, even though a special court was set up to HANDLE warrants for said wire tapping exercises...
• We're editing factually accurate scientific reports because they don't mesh with the political agenda of the White House...
• We're firing US Attorneys with White House interference in what should be an internal Justice Department issue, allegedly because they were too soft on Democrats and too hard on Republicans...
• AND FINALLY over at the FBI we're illegally requesting phone records in the name of the Patriot Act...

Haven't we had enough yet? Mr. President... please just sit down somewhere and let someone who HAS a brain run the country? Please and Thank You?