Too scared to go... Too tired to care...

I was reading this story online and I think it really summed up my life best. With all the relationship problems I've had, I think I've reached the point where I'm just too scared to try for another relationship. My gaydar being faulty doesn't help either. Whenever I meet someone, I automatically assume they are straight... it's easier that way. Only the REALLY flaming ones will trip the Gaydar Alert at all... and I'm totally not interested in anyone like that. But while reading this story a quote came up that "it's not easier, it's safer." I think that really hit home with me... It is safer.

I've let only 3 people 'inside' throughout my entire life. Only 1 has stayed with me... through everything... my best friend, Janell. None of the others are still around or in my life anymore. Either from me pushing them away... or them pushing me away. Janell has stayed... even when I've pushed. We lost touch for nearly a year after she moved to Kentucky... through my foolishness. But we reconnected and today she is the only person who really knows me.

Janell's been saying for a while now that we're going to go out to a bar sometime and everytime I just cringe. I've never been good with people, Lord knows. Janell will be the first to admit I basically shut up like a clam whenever anything remotely emotional happens. I don't know what to say or do. I turn into a listener... which some have said is an asset... I think of it as a weakness. I don't say the things I want to say for fear of driving someone away... or worse...coming off like an unfeeling asshole through my insensitive comments. So the thought of being thrust into the dating scene is just incredibly frightening to me.

To make matters worse, I do feel lonely sometimes. I do want someone just to hold. I want a relationship... a commitment... but I doubt I'll ever have one due to my own hang ups about them.

There's a guy I know up here in Phoenix that's been trying to get me to go out on a date with him. We've had a couple dates long ago but I basically stopped calling him and drove him away. We reconnected a few weeks ago and he's been trying ever since to get me to go out, but I keep putting him off. I'm too scared what might happen if I go. Tonight he asked again... and I told him I wasn't feeling too well. But in truth, my stomach only tied up in knots when he instant messaged me.

So instead I sit here writing this. Too scared to go out on a date... and too emotionally tired to care anymore...