I really want to get back into CounterStrike with Jerimy and Janell, but it's becoming so impossible with my current job. I mean everytime I think I've got time to start up something, I get slammed with a new project, or someone has had ot change their schedule around. The latest upset now puts us down an employee! Leaving us stretched VERY thin on perrsonnel.

Janell has told me repeatedly that I need to find another job. But I'm too stupid, I suppose. I have very low self esteem as far as what I'm worth in the job market goes, so when I get a job, I stick with it until that company goes under or fires me. (So far that's the only times I left jobs.) And now I make so much with this company. I've moved up the ranks for Assistant Manager, Store Manager, Corporate Assistant, Corporate Manager, to basically second in command of the whole company! Going to a new company would seem like starting over...and taking a pay cut...which I can't afford to do. I mean I make good money for what I do. And even if I wanted to go out and get another job, when would I have the time to interview.

I rambling again, I know. But this is my blog. :) But I guess this whole thing stems from a comment Janell sent to me last night. That I didn't have time for her anymore. Which unfortunately is the truth. But each time someone says it, it pisses me off. Not necessarily at the person who said it, but at my whole situation. And how their just doesn't seem anyway out....until this company goes under...or fires me.

The Lighthouse's Tale
I am a Lighthouse,
Worn by the weather and the waves.
I keep my lamp lit,
to warn the sailors on their way.

I'll tell a story,
paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy,
but joy in this life seldom lasts.

I had a keeper,
he helped me warn the ships at sea.
We had grown closer,
'til his joy meant everything to me.
He was to marry
a girl who shown with beauty and light.
They loved each other,
and with me watched the sunsets into nights.

And the waves crashing around me,
The sand slips out to sea,
And the winds that blow remind me
of what has been,
and what can never be.

She'd had to leave us;
my keeper, he prayed for a safe return,
But when the night came,
the weather to a raging storm had turned.
He watched her ship fight,
but in vain against the wild and terrible wind,
And me so helpless,
as dashed against the rocks she met her end.

And the waves crashing around me,
The sand slips out to sea,
And the winds that blow remind me
of what has been,
and what can never be.

Then on the next day,
my keeper found her washed up on the shore.
He kissed her cold face,
and that they'd be together soon he swore.
I saw him crying,
watched as he buried her in the sand,
Then he climbed my tower,
and off the edge of me he ran.

And the waves crashing around me,
The sand slips out to sea,
And the winds that blow remind me
of what has been,
and what can never be.

I am a lighthouse,
worn by the weather and the waves,
And though I'm empty,
I still warn the sailors on their way.

I've fallen in love with this awesome song from Nickel Creek called "The Lighthouse's Tale". And it just seems to fit for me too, but I can't figure out why. I just connect with it so well. I'll publish the lyrics and eventually an MP3, but I highly recommend the whole album from Nickel Creek. I know it's not exactly my usual fare, but I just like the folksie feel of it...and sometimes we all need to return to our roots...and there's just something to basic and natural about acoustic and folk/bluegrass music.