A word of warning, this is a REALLY long post, so to skip to the next post, just click here.

I kinda need to publish this here. I told myself I didn't want to...but then I remembered it was him who didn't want me to. And I felt odd...so very odd....and empty...so cold and empty. What had I done? How had this happened? How had I placed my life so completely in his hands that I became secondary in my mind. He was what mattered...not me. Well no more.

I met him in late December. We were helping some mutual friend's of ours finish their move from a mountain-side community back to the big city, about 3 hours drive away. So we all loaded up and headed out in Justin. That was our first mistake....taking Justin....a mistake in more ways then one. First, Justin is large considering he is classified as a Compact Pickup, but not large enough for 4 grown twenty-somethings. I drove...since no one else every drives my Justin. And he sat behind me. After an hour...the people in back started getting cramped so he stretched out and got comfortable...by putting his arms around my seat and thus hugging me gently from behind. I was in heaven. He was the first guy I've been able to get close to. I couldn't hold anyone else...hug anyone else...so I was truly in heaven. For the next 2 hours, we rode like that...alternating positions every once in a while, but still remaining close. Then after arriving at the storage place, we helped load up Justin...and a rental truck we had picked up after we arrived. But while loading, we couldn't keep our eyes off each other...and eventually...couldn't keep from "accidentally" brushing up against each other. I think our friends kinda caught on and were getting sick of us. But I was still in heaven. Then came time for us to leave...and since we now had two vehicles, we could pair up and head out, this way everyone would have someone to talk to. That was our second mistake...he rode with me.

We bonded closer together in that last 3 hours....heading back to the city. We got even more touchy-feely. And I was again in heaven. This was new...I hadn't done this before...and I could truly see myself falling for him. Which I did. There was only one slight problem....his girlfriend. Yes he had a girlfriend...now don't start bashing him. I knew he did. I knew it before I met him that morning. But I chose to ignore it...and so did he. We told each other this was a "fling"...an "experiment"...which was fine with me...but I was falling...and I was refusing to see it. And then we both realized it. It wasn't just me....he had fallen too...and he said he had...and I believed him...I still do. Call it foolish self-worth, but I do believe he fell for me...like I fell for him. And his best friend saw it. So did we. His relationship with his girlfriend began to suffer...and they almost broke up. I had know him only a few short weeks, and he has know her for almost 2 years. So after a talk between us and with his best friend, we stopped. Or tried to. And his relationship with his girlfriend improved...and we tried hard to become just friends as well. But we didn't do the same things we had done in the past. We stayed distant. Barely holding on to a friendship which was so close only a few days before.

Then he met someone new. Someone else who turned his head, like I did once. Someone else who he started falling for. I tried to tell myself they were just friends...but they were more. He told me himself. He had fallen again...but it wasn't for me...it was for him. I asked him about his girlfriend. And he said they were still together....this was just a "fling"...and "experiment"...sound familiar? I talked to him...but to no avail. And then it happened. He broke up with his girlfriend. He left her for him...something he wouldn't do for me. He hadn't know this new guy nearly as long as I had known him...yet he called it off with his girlfriend...for him. We talked some more, but it hurt too much. He said he had made a mistake...and that he always ruined everything. I told him everything would be alright....that I was fine with it...I lied.

And now I've lost him. Even after the break up with his girlfriend, he was would call me... to see how I was. Just to talk. I didn't feel like it at first. It hurt too much. Then I called him. It was an impulse actually. Our song came on the radio and I just dialed so he could hear it. We would do that when we were together. But were we really ever "together"? Then I stopped calling him. But he didn't stop trying to call me. I never answered...he tried me at work...but luckily I was out of the office when he did. But I still cared enough to call him...but I never talked to him. I just needed to hear his voice. I'd call his cell phone, blocking my caller ID so he wouldn't know it was me...I'd mute my microphone so he couldn't hear me....and I'd listen. It made me feel so much better to know he was ok. I didn't realize how much until today.

I just called his cell phone...and he didn't answer....a machine did...

"The customer's phone you are trying to reach is no longer in service. Message 21, P-H-X."

So I guess that is the end...really the end. And I miss him...after everything that's happened...I miss him...and I still love him.