Never Free

I'm coming to the realization that I'll never be free of my parents influence... and therefore I'll never be able to live my life the way I want.

As I posted here long ago, my parents are very religious... and coming out to them just isn't an option. It would destroy them and with so few years left, I've always been of the opinion to let them spend their declining years in happiness and not upset them. I know that sounds pretty morbid actually... because in effect I'm waiting for them to pass away so I can live my life the way I want. But last night, someone in my online game said something to me that totally tossed that right out the window.

Being a religious family, one of their core beliefs is there is a Heaven where we go when we die... and that God has prepared a place for us there. I hold this particular belief to be true as well. While I don't perscribe to all their religious views, this one makes since to me. That said, for some reason I never thought about them leaving this world and being in Heaven... yet still being able to look down upon me and my life. So when this guy said "Don't you think it would be better for you to tell them the truth, rather than have them find out after they're in Heaven looking down on you?"... it totally knocked me down.

I went to bed crying last night... because my life seems over now. I can't live my life the way I want now... and I won't be able to in the future either. They'll always be with me... watching me... and that is totally scaring me now. What if I slip up or do something they wouldn't approve of? What happens if I fall in love with someone and I can't do anything about it because they're a guy? I'll never be able to date who I want, fall in love, or experience true happiness.

I've never wanted to hurt my parents. It's why I've concealed this for so long. But now it seems I'm destined to hurt them no matter what I do... and I'm not sure I can live with that.